Parenting Alignment; Why it matters.....

So what is parenting alignment?

Well it is when you and your co-parent are in sync/ are on the same page. In this day and age, the image and cultural understanding of whom a parent is has expanded. At the basic core, a parent is a caregiver of a child or children. This could be a father, a mother, a grandparent, an auntie, an uncle, a foster parent, a kinship placement, a friend, or a sibling.

I remember being in a child development class and being told by the instructor that the relationship of the parents is one of the most important factors a child’s development. As a child of divorce, I remember thinking that that sounded ridiculous. My parents did not have a strong relationship and I felt I turned out ok, and I know plenty of others with the same type of history, but I think I missed that point.

This is what I think my instructor at the time was trying to explain….

Children no matter what age, require a balance of stability and safety to explore. Stability, consistency, structure, safety, and security are all environmental factors which support healthy development, health, confidence, and self-esteem. These are also factors that are created and supported by a child’s parent/caregiver.

How do you create Parenting Alignment?

No matter who the two people (or sometimes more) identified as the parents of a child are, the relationship between these two people matter. It is not to say the relationship has to be perfect (we are human and expecting perfection is not helpful),rather it is about having a mutual respect for the each other. Not focusing on what the other does wrong, but rather focusing on areas of agreement and compromise. Having conversations around shaping the environment the child grows in to be one of safety, support, and unconditional love. It can be scary to talk about difficult topics because we do not know what the other person will say, or think, or feel, but in the long run it is safer to talk through these things then it is to make assumptions about what the other is expecting, thinking, or feeling. Important areas of conversation and ways to start this conversation… What are we wanting or expecting for our child? What characteristics and values do we want to teach and model to them? What are the house rules and expectations that will encourage our these values?

So, what if there are two parents/ caregivers? And what happens if there are two households?……….

If safety and security are required in a child’s daily life, then from environment to environment and from moment to moment, there has to be structure, rules, and values set in place to provide that consistency in structure. When parents work together to develop, enforce, and support this structure, no mater where, when, or who the child is with, the child is safe to grow, explore, and learn.

Parents that work together are more likely to have successful relationships with their children as well as healthier children. In a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, authors “found that parents with more supportive relationships had children with fewer behavioral problems.” This is how I often break it down for families… If you and you are a co-parent, no matter where you are, where you live, how often you are together, who is the head caregiver, or the person who is with the child most or least, then your relationship with your child matters but so does the respectful relationship you have with the other co-parent. If you can be respectful of each other, come together to create universal rules and expectations for you child/children, then you will see more success from your child/ children. You are modeling to them that no matter what the situation is, they can over come it through respectful communication. You are teaching them that you are both to do what is nessacary to keep them safe. And you are both providing a grounding foundation and support for your relationships with them and all of their future relationships. And in the end, isn’t that the ultimate goal of all parents, to help their children grow to be healthy functioning members of the world.